Business and careers are built not just on the products or services you offer, but on the relationships you create. In any relationship, whether it be business, personal, or even just someone you encounter on the street, there is a possibility for, shall we say, “differences of opinions.” When the inevitable interpersonal conflicts come up, how do you handle them? How do you resolve conflicts and improve relationships?
One simple but extremely powerful technique that I’ve never had fail me or anyone I’ve taught it to is the B.U.I.L.D. Method. It is a model I developed during my years in the conflict management field based on available research as well as professional experience. (I originally developed it as B.R.I.C.K.S. because I was teaching a group of construction management students, but in retrospect B.U.I.L.D. would have been the perfect acronym from the start.) It is simple, but effective.
Breathe
Okay, so I once came across an NLP expert who said this wasn’t necessary, and for only $250 he’d tell you why. Biology would say he’s wrong, but I won’t go into it.
In this step, simply take note of your breathing. You don’t even have to take time away from the discussion or situation - it can be done on the fly. Are you holding your breath? Are you breathing too fast? Slow and control your breathing.
Often all it takes is one slow, deep breath and you can return to a breathing rhythm that helps you be calm and more focused. Deliberately keep your breathing slow until you don’t have to think about it anymore. It's not about being calm and relaxed - it's about focus so you can think clearly and direct your energy to address the situation.
Untether
Let go. Let go of your position for a moment. Let go of the need to be right. Let go of the fear of failure. Let go of your ego. It is really hard to do the next three steps unless you do this one. Frankly, it is next to impossible to reach a true resolution without it. Untethering isn't "giving in" or compromising your values. It is caring enough about what is going on to listen to the other person, and caring enough to see the situation in another way, even if you don't ultimately agree. If you paid attention to the Breathe step, untethering is much easier.
Invite
Invite the other person to engage in a conversation, and invite them to share their perspective first. The invitation can be through words and/or body language.
For example, make eye contact (as culturally appropriate) and use an engagement phrase such as one of the following.
- “Let’s discuss this. What are your thoughts?”
- “Tell me more about your [thoughts, feelings, etc.] on the matter.”
- “I’d really like to know more about…”
- “Help me understand what you mean by…”
Listen
Really listen to the other person and genuinely seek to understand. It can be really easy to become distracted, particularly when you have something important to say as well, but make the effort to avoid thinking about what your next argument or comeback will be, what you’re going to have for dinner, why they chose to wear that color combination, etc. This comes as you truly focus on the other person. Listen for not only what they say they want, but why. What are the underlying values, needs, interests and emotions? What are they really saying?
Discuss
Once you have listened to the other person, then you can share your perspective. Don’t just attack what the other person has said, but explain how you see things and why. Then have a dialog (not a debate) about the different options that could resolve the situation. Ideally, you’ll look for options that will address each person’s needs and concerns.
COULD I PRACTICE WHAT I PREACHED?
Several years ago I had to test my belief in the framework when I was offering an online training program for mediators. Part of the program required passing some quizzes. One day I received an email from a participant - a lawyer who had been an educator. His email was critical of the testing design. My first reaction was, "Dang it, I put a lot of work into this program! What are they getting all hissy for?" Automatic defensive mode.
Luckily, before I responded to the email I convinced myself to practice what I preached. "Gary, you're teaching this stuff, do you really believe it?" The answer was yes, so I took a breath, let go of my emotional investment in the program for a moment, and responded with an invitation to discuss it further. I was totally transparent about what I was doing with the B.U.I.L.D. method (I was supposed to be teaching something, after all), and even fessed up to being ticked off at first.
When my student again contacted me, he confessed to feeling a bit sheepish about not practicing the method as well. We shared a laugh and ended up having a respectful and productive dialogue on the matter. He had been an educator prior to his current profession of lawyer, and had some strong opinions about testing. He also had some valuable experience. I was able to learn some things from him that could improve my program, and he was able to learn some things as well.
My clients have reported similar experiences and results.
Once you B.U.I.L.D. a positive connection you have the foundation for resolution. Even if you don't ultimately agree, if you have put genuine effort into following the steps you can end with a positive note and an improved or strengthened relationship. Give it a try!