"How do I NOT get angry?" Do You Really Want the Answer?
I was recently asked, "How do you not get angry." Well, there's a really simple, short answer to that question, and you might not like it. The short answer is ... you don't. You don't "not get angry." You are going to feel anger in your life. Anger is a response to a perceived threat to ourselves or to someone or something we care about. It is a defensive reaction that prepares us to fight for something. Like conflict, anger in and of itself is not necessarily bad. It is a normal emotion.
What matters is how we manage and express anger. Are you channeling it towards something constructive, or are you channeling it towards something destructive? Is it motivating you to accomplish a higher purpose, or is it interfering with your judgment? The ability to control your anger is both an innate and a learned skill. Some people are naturally better at it than others, but almost everyone can learn it.
4 Steps for Managing Anger
One way to actively cope with anger in your life is to employ these four steps for managing anger.
1. Analyze your life for your anger moments. The first step is to recognize that you have anger moments. Are there particular situations where you are likely to feel angry? What are they? What are your triggers? What precedes and sets off the anger? Look at your life and review the times where you have felt angry. It can be helpful to keep a journal where you record your ups and downs, including the anger moments. You can then look back for patterns. What brought you up and what brought you down? How did you cope with each?
2. Develop a strategy. Can/should you avoid such situations? If so, try to structure your life in a way to avoid them. For example, if there is a person in your life who you always feel anger around, and there no work-related, family, or other obligations that require you to associate with them, remove that person from your life. If you can’t avoid your anger moments, develop an “If…then” strategy. If trigger occurs, I will do X. If one of your triggers is Uncle Bob talking about the evils of gun control, and you know that Uncle Bob will be at the next family gathering, then you can plan ahead. "If Uncle Bob starts talking about gun control then I will excuse myself to use the restroom."
3. Call in the cavalry. Get support from a friend, family member, or professional. They can cheer you on, hold you accountable for implementing your strategy and, depending on the situation and strategy, help you implement it. You don't have to do it all on your own.
4. Practice. One of my favorite sayings is, You do what you train.” If you haven’t at least practiced it in your head, your strategy is likely doomed to fail. Why? Because in emotional moments old habits tend to kick in. You have to practice new habits to interrupt the cycle. This is another area where your cavalry can help you. Ask them to role play with you. "Okay, pretend you are Uncle Bob and start talking about the Second Amendment." The time for practice is when you are in a safe, controlled environment, not when you are in the heat of the moment. If the situation (or self-consciousness) doesn't allow you to physically practice, then mentally practice. Visualize the situation in your head. Make it as vivid as possible. Picture the trigger occurring and you responding flawlessly in your planned way.
Anger is a part of life, but it doesn't have to control it. Flip that around and let your life control your anger. What are some of your anger moments and how do you deal with them? Please share your thoughts below.